Unneeded: Final Fantasy XIII-2

So they are (of course) making a sequel to one of my least favorite FF games. Nooo, they couldn't do a sequel to XII (which was good). They want another 10 minute cutscene, 2 minute game play 14 minute cutscene, 4 minute game play sequel.

Maybe you'll be able to change dresses and sing enemies to death in this one too. Since that worked out so well before...

Unneeded: Angry Birds Real Life Game

Didn't they learn their lesson when Wii bowling and tennis overtook the real thing for 90% of the country? C'mon people. but supposedly this is coming out by the end of the year. Unless we revolt! Then it will...probably come out sooner.

Speaking of Unecessary Princesses...Car Lashes

Problem one: these are eyelashes for your car.
Problem two: the only women who will buy these can't drive already
Problem three: Problem one + Problem two.

Math is fun!

Elton John: Evil Bastard

So I know that some of this stuff is old news, but I haven't been around so...forgive me. Today's moment of WTF? comes from Elton John performing at Rush Limbaugh's 4th (FOURTH) wedding for the cool sum of one million dollars. This is just bloody ridiculous. How many times has Limbaugh been all "gays are evil, I'm fat, I love pain pills. Gays like poo"? The answer is 45ish? I dunno, but he's still a donkey's ass and now Elton has supported his ridiculous self. So, forget you Sir Gaysalot.

Need? Necklace Of Thready Doom

It's not like I'd ever actually wear it, but isn't it nice to make sure you have the necessary outfit if one was ever invited to a head has been removed party? You would look like such a fool (the kind Mr. T would pity) if you didn't have one of these. Go buy one for yourself somewhere in this general vicinity here.

Pretty Hardcore: Candyland Tatoo of Doom

Yeah, she felt this was necessary. Now, I don't know her or anything about her: but I bet this is a semen placement game. With children. Pedophile.

Share

Beauty and the Beast Goes the Way of the Sparklepires

Stephenie Meyers should be shot in the forehead for ruining all "monsters" from here on out. Not only are vampires MAC Cosmetic representatives now and werewolves travel in abdominal baring packs, but the Beast is a bald guy with tattoos. Don't worry though, he's super sensitive (once he gets ugly, yet still very fit) and all he needs is some plain jane girl to give him blue balls, since girls don't give it up in fairy tales.

As an aside, which Olsen is this? I feel that it should be both interchanging every 15 seconds just to give teenage girls something else to talk about in forums.

Will Need For Apple Products

So they got around to fully sending the iPad's name to the most literal sense of the word they could think of. Someone buy this man a cookie. Don't spend your time baking it. Baking is for women. I mean, c'mon.

OK...Taylor Swift Wins Album of the Year

Taylor Swift (seen here dropping it) has won the Grammy for Album of the Year. That's right. Just ponder that for a while. I mean I know Kanye was mean and everything, but if we gave every little girl someone was rude to a Grammy then I'd have like 4.

Now My Lip Hurts

This is apparently a Pyrex plug that you too can put into your lip instead of your...lip and show the world what's stuck in your teeth while you retain that stony silence that makes you so damn cool. 

Speaking of Evil: Avatar News

So it's official ladies and gentlemen. You have made Avatar the highest-grossing film of all time (not adjusting for inflation).
Pat yourselves on your blue Pocahontas hating backs. So far Cameron's Dances with Blue People has made $1.859 billion dollars.

There, go cry now. Cry like when your dad did that thing in your bikini area, it's essentially the same.

America, I Give Up: Golden Globes Edition

So we have officially sold our souls.  Satan himself, James Cameron has won Best Picture (Drama) and Best Director for Avatar Pocahontas 2. Proving, for once and all, that we just don't give a shit.

Kudos, America.

Reiterate The Sadness: Top 5 Selling Singles Of The Decade

"Qua?"

just "qua?"

I also realized that I stopped listening to mainstream music before I...thought I did? I had heard each of these songs before (mostly not in their entirety) but the only one I knew knew was from 2001. Go me. I eat applesauce.

Surprise: Palin Joins The Ranks Of Fox News

Sarah Palin (Moose Spice) has joined the most conservative group in the entire world, the Jehovah's Witnesses,  Fox News. She shall be a political commentator on Fox News Channel, Fox News Business, Foxnews.com, and some other random outlet for her to spew gibberish and the middle class women who feel Hilary is too "successful" at her job. About the position Palin said:

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

Proving once and for all, she's a genius.

You've Seen It All Before

No wonder it's selling so well, it's the Pocahontas we've always dreamed of (ie without Native Americans). I can't wait until Avatar 2: Harrah's of Pandora.

Hell, make way for me.

Dumbest Quotes of the Decade

The Huffington Post has collected several of the worst (and best) of our collective stupidity as a culture. They were quite merciful to Bush, seeing as how he still cries in his sleep. It's ok Bushy wushy, eat your pineapple.

Actually, pineapple is a sin. It's the gay of fruits. It makes fruits even gayer.

Check out the whole list here.

Westboro Finds Something Else God Hates

Fred Phelps and his satanic cult of a family over at Westboro Baptist have found yet another thing that God doesn't care for. Of course it's mostly related to the gays, but it's slightly different, in that it has a vagina.

In other news, their signs are getting better. Good for them. And the evil Christian of doom looks fierce.

Sorry for being rather late on delivering this news, you know me. lazy.

Blog World: Pale Is The New Tan

So there is a genius who decided to gather all of the orange people of the world and put them on display, so us, the pasties can bask in their radioactive glory. And upon gazing at the angelic face before, I know that I am an inferior being until I put on some plastic underwear and let someone at me with a paint gun. Thank you Guido Jesus.

Check out the site here.

Sacrelege. Crappy "Death At A Funeral" Remake

I refuse to make this my normal size as a form of protest. I could have just not blogged about it and kept it from coming to your attention at all, but you are French.

So do you remember WAYYYY back in 2007, when Frank Oz (Freaking Yoda for Chrissake) made a super funny British comedy called "Death at a Funeral"? Oh, you don't?

Do you remember when Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence or Tracey Morgan was funny?
Oh, you don't?

I rest my case.

We Are Officially in Music Hell: Grammys '10

The Black Eyed Peas (yes, the group in the photo above)have been nominated for both Record of the Year and Album of the Year. These things are getting even less prestigious than Nobels apparently. For a full list of the travesties, er...nominations, click here.